What I’m reading

I am often asked for book recommendations to assist with individual and couple’s healing journey. Below are books I’m reading or have recently read with a brief synopsis and my insights from my lens. Enjoy!

"Fight Right: The Best Way to Win Arguments and Get Along with Your Spouse" by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, renowned relationship experts, provides insights and strategies for managing conflicts in romantic relationships.

One of the core tenets of the Gottmans' work is the concept of The Four Horsemen—named after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The Gottmans are not being hyperbolic; they have over 40 years of data showing that these behaviors—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—negatively influence relationships and predict their demise. They emphasize that Contempt is the most dangerous, and their research shows they can predict with 93% certainty whether a marriage will fail based on the presence of contempt.

The book also highlights the importance of appreciations. Their data support the need for a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions to strengthen a relationship. Building a culture of appreciation helps "put money in the bank" for when things are said that aren't productive or when a partner feels attacked.

This book is a must-have for couples who are stuck in conflict patterns. It focuses on enhancing communication and respect within the relationship, offering effective strategies for resolving conflicts.

I had a chance to listen to the audiobook of "No Bad Parts" by Dr. Richard Schwartz, and I highly recommend it. The book is read by a professional narrator, but Dr. Schwartz also contributes by guiding the listener through exercises, creating a pseudo-session experience that feels as if you are working directly with him.

As a fan of Internal Family Systems (IFS), I use this approach with clients and myself. It's a beautiful modality for understanding the various parts of us and addressing what might be impeding their healing. The book's central theme is that there are "no bad parts." This means that even parts of ourselves we might find repulsive or have developed adaptive behaviors are not inherently bad; they simply haven't been given a chance to be seen and heal.

For example, one of our firefighter parts might come online to protect our exiles (the parts that hold painful memories). The mind might choose impulsive or harmful behaviors, such as substance use or self-harm, as a distraction from the pain. The part itself isn't bad—it's doing what it believes is necessary to keep us safe.

This book is an excellent read for anyone who has already engaged in personal work and is looking to conceptualize healing in a new way.

"What Happened to You?" by Dr. Bruce Perry, co-authored with Oprah Winfrey, delves into the impact of trauma on individuals' lives and the importance of understanding this impact in order to heal and thrive. The book explores the concept of "What happened to you?" as opposed to "What's wrong with you?" as a more empathetic and insightful approach to understanding the effects of trauma. Dr. Perry, a renowned psychiatrist and neuroscientist, draws on his extensive experience working with individuals who have experienced trauma, including children, adults, and communities affected by various forms of adversity. Through compelling stories, scientific research, and practical insights, Dr. Perry and Oprah Winfrey highlight the resilience of the human spirit and the power of connection in overcoming adversity. They advocate for a trauma-informed approach to caregiving, education, and social systems, emphasizing the importance of empathy, understanding, and support in promoting healing and recovery. This book is filled with the neuroscience behind trauma, and beautiful stories of resiliency and the ability for us to experience post traumatic growth.

Dr. Viktor Frankl was a Jewish psychiatrist who was put into concentration camps in 1942. He continued to be imprisoned until April 13, 1945. His wife and unborn child were killed, and he was left with no family.

Frankl’s writing focuses on choice. He says, “the last freedom is to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way”. He goes on to say “And there are always choices to be made. Every day, every hour offered the opportunity to decide, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self”.   

Frankl believed that even in the worst of conditions, we have the freedom to choose how we react. He highlighted humor and accessed images that kept him alive.

This is a heavy book, and it’s incredible to see the resiliency of the human spirit. It illustrates the body’s intense desire for survival, and the nervous system working to keep the organism alive at all costs.

I’ve been a listener of Glennon’s “we can do hard things” podcast, and knew parts of her story. This book provided more context and detail into her world. Glennon is an incredible writer. You feel her stories. One of the themes of the book was seeing a cheetah named Tabitha at the zoo, and how Tabitha was tamed. She was under the false belief that because her friend was a dog, she was a dog. She would follow a pink bunny to show how fast she can run, but it was contained. Tabita had never known what it was like to be a cheetah. Glennon uses this analogy for individuals who feel they aren’t living the life they were intended based on societal expectations. A quote that stuck out to me was “I was wild until I was tamed by shame”. This quote and another “I will not stay, not ever again - in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself”. How many of us have been wild before we were tamed? Ooffh! If these quotes resonate with you, this book may be something to explore!

The Body Keeps the score: Brain, Mind and Boyd in the Healing of Trauma, is a powerful read. When the book was published in 2014, it was one of the first of its kind to discuss the trauma responses in the body, especially from the lens of a psychiatrist. Dr. van der Kolk’s work illustrates how different the parts of the brain related to telling stories, and how critical it is for physiology and biology to be brought in as we work in trauma healing. I could quote this entire book as it has so many valuable chapters, but I was struck with the statement that “The central function of the amygdala, which I call the brain’s smoke detector, is to identify whether incoming input is relevant for our survival”. This makes so much sense with those with PTSD that the smoke detector continues to be on until the body tells them the threat is over. Another quote stated, “our gut feelings signal when we are safe, life sustaining, or threated, even when we can’t quite explain why we are feeling a particular way”. This book is rich with content, it took me several weeks to get through, and I’m a trauma therapist! Go slow, and really absorb the content. It is such a life changing read. It reiterates how critical it is to involve the body in the healing work vs. just focusing on the cognitive brain and the story of our trauma.

If reading the book’s title is a lot for you, you are not alone. It is a heartbreaking question that those impacted by early and frequent attachment wounds may ask. It does offer some incredibly powerful insights for individuals who are healing from narcissistic abuse from a mother. The book is divided in three parts: Recognizing the Problem, How Narcissistic Mothering Affects your Entire Life and Ending the Legacy.

The author highlights six facts of maternal narcissism: The flamboyant extrovert (the public entertainer), The accomplishment -oriented (achievement in life is paramount), The Psychosomatic (uses illness to manipulate others), The Addicted (substance use disorder is lower than connection), The Secretly Mean (doesn’t want anyone to know she is abusive to her children) and the Emotionally Needy (expect daughters to take care of them).

This book provides solutions for moving forward and support for those asking if they will ever be enough. A great read, I would recommend reading it very slowly (may 5-10 pages a sitting), as it is a lot to process.

Chapter 1 begins with the captivating title "Anxiety is a Superpower,". Britt argues that attempting to eliminate anxiety is similar to trying to disable the check engine light in your car—a counterproductive endeavor. Anxiety serves as a guide, leading us out of stuckness.

She challenges the notion that our inertia is laziness. Laziness is not a moral judgment rather than a biological reality. This is a beautiful perspective, relieving the burden of always needing to be  “productive”.

In the chapter on friendships, she shares a personal story about a hiking friend who happens to be a compulsive liar. Britt illustrates that emotional trust is not a prerequisite for all relationships. This message was powerful for me as there are so many messages of what adult friendships should look like.

This book emerges as a compelling read for those feeling a sense of stuckness and needing a resources how to find your path forward.

The information provided on this website is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional mental health services. It is not a therapeutic relationship and does not constitute the provision of mental health treatment. I have no relationship with the authors, nor receiving compensation.